I’m Kind of a Mess

Fotolia_62489448_XS.jpg

I’m kind of an ever-lovin’ mess. You know, the completely disheveled kind, that can only manage a few things in a day or their mind explodes? That kind.

I really don’t want to be this way, I want to have my stuff together. And I have the best intentions of doing so…but then the morning comes, the kids are off to school (and that can be a big ordeal, let me tell you – youngest child has severe autism – need I say more?), my psych meds leave me all groggy or my fibromyalgia pain has kicked in, or both…and there I am trying to muster the energy to do anything. I get really stuck at this point, trying to determine which way to go and what to do next.

Today, I took care of something really important that took about an hour…and then I did my new devotional and then, I closed my eyes. Two hours later and it’s like most of my day was gone which makes this mommy grumpy. I’m supposed to give myself some slack for this kind of thing, I’m supposed to go easy on myself as I’m in the process of coming back from a long dark horrible bout of bipolar depression. But my head, says things like, “You’re a loser. You’re ridiculous…you need a nap after being up for 3 hours? Why can’t you get your act together? You have a ton of laundry to do…don’t you think your family really needs you to do that for them?” And then, naturally I feel like crap.

That crappy feeling, well, it leads to more crappy feelings and then I’m sitting here at the computer telling you all how crappy I feel. It’s kind of a bad deal. And actually, I just chuckled at myself and sighed…because I guess I’m on this roller coaster of ups and downs. And, I did do a couple of other important adult type things before I got on this computer that I’ve been putting off for a long time. So that’s good and positive and I should be a little bit proud of that. Sometimes, the little steps are big steps and the little steps take you to the same destination as big steps…and my current destination is recovery.

I don’t know if I will ever feel like one of those people who “has it all together” but hopefully someday I’m going to feel proud of myself and proud of my accomplishments, big or small, without downgrading them. Hopefully, I’m on the road to being me again and that road is just going to have its moments, good and bad, just like everyone else’s does.

Advertisements

How to Determine if You’re a Bad Mom in 3 Simple Steps

So I have this struggle…ha, that’s a lie, I have a lot of struggles. But a big one is feeling like I’m a bad mom. Perhaps it’s a side effect of depression, a genetic predisposition or a lack of confidence…all of which could really be the case, but what it comes down to is trying to figure out if I really am a bad mom. If I could disprove that theory, then maybe, just maybe I could believe that I’m not a horrible mother and that I am doing something right, maybe not perfect, but not bad.

This may take a little audience participation, which could prove difficult since I have a following of like 10 (at best) on this blog (in all fairness, it is brand new), but hopefully somehow someone will read this, help me find the truth and perhaps find the truth for themselves if they ever have any of this same type of worry. Although, I seriously doubt any other mother ever feels like she is not good enough, right? That’s ridiculous.

1. Define a “good mom”. (Be realistic and honest. For example: being a good mom does not equal making every birthday party or celebration a Pinterest worthy one. We’re talking basics.)

My thoughts on this: she feeds her children, clothes them, provides them shelter and provides healthcare when needed (unless of course this is truly not possible then this does not make her a bad mom, I do not think a mom who is living in poverty is a bad mom simply because she is living in poverty). She also works to meet her children’s educational, spiritual and emotional needs as best as she is able. Plus, she loves her children…you know, like love in action and love in emotion. She gives them affection. She gives them attention. She does the best she can.

2. Evaluate yourself against the above definition.

Okay, I do these things, but not perfectly all the time. I sometimes get fast food for their dinners. I sometimes (more often than I would like to admit) don’t give them as much attention as they might enjoy. They do have shelter. They have clothes. I get them to and from school and extra-curricular activities. I even attend said extra-curricular activities when applicable and possible. I try to address all emotional needs and involve extra input (therapist, counselors, role models, etc) when possible, but I haven’t done this perfectly. Like the time my son went to therapy and his father (my ex-husband) sabotaged the whole thing so the therapist disowned us (really) and then his father said he would not ever and I could not ever take him back to therapy of any kind. UGH. On to the next thing… I do try to meet my children’s spiritual needs (introduce them to faith, etc.), but I don’t do that perfectly either. I do love my children, I really do. I give them hugs and kisses (even if they get wiped off) and I tell them I’m proud of them and remind them that they are loved. But again, I don’t do any of this perfectly. Oh, that last thing in the definition above…”she does the best that she can“… okay, okay, yes, I do the best that I can, even if my best some days is someone else’s worst .

3. Come to  your conclusion.

My thoughts: I’ve got room for improvement, but by my definition above, I am not a bad mom. This is a serious relief. I don’t want to be a bad mom, I want to be a good mom and an even better one tomorrow than I am today. I want to be proud of the mom that I am and I don’t want to have any more regret.

Here’s where the audience participation comes in and is really important. I need to check myself because if I’m truly not a bad mom, I need a little validation. Tell me, what’s your definition of a good mom? Do you ever feel like you’re not a very good one? Do you think my evaluation is accurate? Spill it, okay? ‘Cause this mama needs to know.

Perfect.jpg

This photo came from The House of Hendrix blog and I couldn’t resist sharing with you here, because maybe, even in my imperfection I am actually a good mom and maybe you are, too. And if you don’t worry about it…well…maybe you aren’t? 😉

 

P.S. I’m participating in the #ManicMondays linky via RockinRandomMom and the #abitofeverything linky via The Anxious Dragon. Check them out!

RockinRandomMom
A Bit Of Everything

Just a Mommy Muddling

Decide

 

I’m thinking it’s probably about time I get back to something…something that more resembles me, the person I lost a few months ago…again. I’m a mommy muddling my way through life with lots of ups and downs…like the bipolar II kind and the major depression kind and the fibromyalgia kind and the anxiety kind, to name a few. I muddle through things like sickness (my own and others) and taking care of several children that range from small to big (a couple of which are on the autism spectrum and all of which are unique and wonderful in their own difficult and also fabulous ways). I do this with my unbelievably patient and loving husband by my side. Despite that, I often feel alone and my muddling is sometimes struggling instead.

But here I am, ready to do something for me. I need a space to muddle around and say what I really feel, what I really want to say and what I need to say but sometimes can’t. I’m an anonymous mommy right now, because some of the truth and irrational thoughts and real-life stuff I’m gonna say may not be something I want to share or to be shared with my immediate family or friends. I want that freedom right now.

So, it’s time. It’s time I do some things for me so that I can be a better, healthier me and I can eventually be a me that I’ll be proud of again, and maybe others will too.