Beginning Again with Therapy

Bright mint rubber boots in the garden summer house background

I was discharged from the hospital at the end of the second week of November, 2015. I knew immediately that I had to find a therapist, because that is what you do after you attempt suicide. I’m not a stranger to therapy, but admittedly it had been a while. I began my quest a bit slowly and timidly. It’s not easy to decide to whom you want to bare your soul, now is it?

After a couple of different attempts, I believe I have found someone who I can really work with. And, I kind of can’t believe it. I’ve been seeing her for about a month or so now, once a week, and I have experienced on two separate occasions (after leaving her office) ensuing really good days , which I have found totally perplexing, surprising and ultimately…good.

When you get used to so many days strung together that are bleak at best, it’s rather obvious when a good one comes along. When you can somehow associate that with your therapist and the work you are doing in therapy, I think that’s definitely a positive. Now positives aren’t something I’m used to talking about as of late…but hey…I’m working on it.

I find myself looking forward to the opportunity to share…to share my dark stuff. I want to share my secret feelings and frustrations with someone, someone that won’t be hurt or mad or frightened by them. I want to spill it. I want to spill my feelings all over the place like a can of red paint on bright white carpet. I want to look at it and see it and look at it with someone who won’t be upset with me for tipping over that can. I’m ready to talk.

The first couple of visits with my new therapist have been filled with a lot of history giving, the getting to know you drill and working on coping techniques – so that as we dig deep I have tools to handle the emotions and responses that will likely arise. I like that she is focused on helping me to develop these strategies and to learn to really use them. The trick is I have to remember to practice and to practice and to practice again. I’m not real good at that, historically. But since the paint is gonna spill eventually, it might be time I change my ways.

I went through an outpatient treatment program in October (before the suicide attempt) and came away with a gazillion handouts and info on coping techniques. I even put them in a binder with sheet protectors so that it would be easy to reference. Guess how many times I’ve opened that binder?

Zero. Zero times.

So now, with a new therapist by my side, it’s truly time to get better, make the effort and to practice using the tools she is providing me. If I don’t, I’m just going to end up back where I started…that’s not a place I want to go.

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28 thoughts on “Beginning Again with Therapy

  1. It’s great you found a therapist you feel like you can trust. After my suicide attempt, I took the first counselor available through the student health service. In retrospect, it was sheer dumb luck that we established a rapport. She helped me get through a very difficult time. I wish you the best as your therapy continues.

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  2. Therapy takes lots of work, and the “chemistry” between patient and therapist is so important. I’ve had therapists who, just when I started opening up, would shut me down by something they said. But, I’ve also had therapists I loved and really listened.to me. It sounds like you found a good one if you are ready to start opening up so soon. That’s awesome! Your therapist will help you find and develop the skills you need to maintain your mental health. It isn’t always easy, but so worth it in the end, Thanks for linking up!

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  3. Thank you for sharing this.

    I’ve been dealing with depression and anxiety for a long time, and I’ve fallen into a bit of a rut again…I’m in the process of finding a new therapist and starting over on new meds. Sometimes it’s nice to hear stories that I can empathize with. ❤

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    1. It means so much to me to connect with others who “get it”…sometimes I feel like I’m on an island, all by myself. Lost. Thank you for reading and commenting. Here’s to you finding just the right combination of therapy and meds…it’s no doubt a challenge! 🙏❤️

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      1. Thank you. It can be quite a challenge, yes. That we’re still learning about how these conditions work and what their nuances are makes treatment even more complicated. It’s do-able, but it can be daunting.

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  4. It can be difficult finding a therapist with whom we connect. I’m glad you were able. And yes, spill it! Secrets keep us sick. I’m in between therapists now and I hate it. I feel like I’m just flying by the seat of my pants, and doing a horrible job if I’m being honest. Thanks so much for sharing your journey with us. It sounds like you’re on the right path. Stay strong. -Krista

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    1. Thank you, Krista! I’m really grateful to have found someone…it is really hard to find that right fit. It’s a daunting task, too, especially when struggling. It also gets old telling your story over and over again…only to determine that it’s not the right therapist for you. But, we keep searching because it is so important. Thank you for the reminder that it’s ok to spill it all! Wishing you much success in finding your new fit and sending wellness wishes. I’m easy to find here, on Instagram or Twitter if you ever need support. ❤️

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  5. I can only imagine how difficult all of this must be for you. And your family. But the fact you are sharing it here….and with your therapist… sounds like an excellent start. I wish you the very best of luck with your recovery. You can do it. And thanks for visiting my blog 🙂 x

    Liked by 1 person

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