Where It (Sort of) All Started

I’ll start by sharing the moment when I knew I was suffering from severe depression again. Not that I didn’t have symptoms before, but this was a defining moment, one of those I can look back on and say, yes, it was then, it was most definitely and clearly there and very present.

It happened this past Summer, during my favorite time of year. I was otherwise doing okay, I think. It’s a bit blurry, as most things are for me. But I had seen a doctor for a cough. Long story short, they did X-rays and found some kind of anomaly. The doctor actually asked if I had ever been shot, which was funny to me. Apparently the spot on my lung kind of looked like scar tissue from something like that. So, I had to have a CT scan. Following this news I became obsessed with getting the test done and finding out the results. Normal for me, as I kind of fixate on these sort of things. It took time, what felt like a very long time, to get the results. So for days I worried about things like the insurance pre-approval, the scheduling of the test, the CT scan itself and then…the results. This seemed like to me and possibly was, fairly normal behavior for a person who has been told they have a concerning spot on their lung.

My husband picked up the results the day they were ready and called me with them, which he thought was being really helpful, but inside I actually wanted to do it myself and to see the report tangibly, in my own uncertain hands. He called and said something like, “It’s all good. You’re fine, nothing to worry about.” I wanted details and he gave me what he could and then brought the report to me later in the day. But right then, after the phone call, I started to cry. I cried not for relief, but in sadness and grief.

After mulling it over I realized, I wanted to die.ย I actually wanted this spot to be cancer. I wanted an illness to take me out and for it not to be my fault.

Who thinks that? Who in their right mind wants to have cancer? ย Well, it turns out, me, as I was obviously not in my right mind.

*I’m adding this post to the #Iwouldliketo linky on And 1 More Makes 3. Muddle on over and check it out!*

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19 thoughts on “Where It (Sort of) All Started

  1. Wow this is very interesting! I really find your posts very informative as I would never thought what would be in the mind of someone that has suffered from depression. Of course you were not in your right mind as who would prefer to have cancer instead of a clear result. I’m actually glad that you managed to spot the origin of this and now heading into the right direction. Such an interesting journey. Thanks so much for sharing this at #KCACOLS. I would love to see you back on Sat 2nd April when the linky opens again, ๐Ÿ™‚ x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Franca! Most definitely I was not in my “right mind”. It was such a stark contrast to healthy thinking that it definitely raised my awareness of what was happening in my mind. I so appreciate you reading and commenting. It means a lot to me. Looking forward to the next link-up! ๐Ÿ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Must have been very hard for you. I’m glad to see you are doing better (from the comments here). Hopefully writing about it also gives you a relief and helps you to deal with it. Thank you for sharing something so personal. Have a lovely Easter. #KCACOLS

    Nadia – ScandiMummy x

    Liked by 1 person

  3. What a sad post to read, I really hope you are feeling more positive now. I see from the comment above that you are on your road to wellness, which I am so glad about. Perhaps writing about your experiences will help, and at least it will show you that there are many more people out there who have felt the same. Hopefully you will get positive stories back too.
    Keep strong, Amanda. #kcacols

    Like

  4. Pingback: I Felt Joy
  5. I am so sorry that you are feeling this way, I can completely relate unfortunately, and that scares me to say. I do genuinely believe that one of the best things that we can do when we feel like this is talk about it/write it down/get it out. Just remember, that you are not alone, in feeling like this or alone in reality. You have every reason to be alive, to keep on living and to enjoy that life too. You deserve that.

    Sending you huge amounts of happy wish fairy dust from across the Atlantic xxxxx

    Liked by 1 person

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